I am struggling....I have zero motivation to work out...and honestly just wanna lay around. I am being mean to poor Heather and I don't even know. I am beyond stressed out and all I want to do is eat bad food! But, I havn't. I am exhausted and I need to snap out of it. I would give anything for a good laugh! I need to get some hw done and I know that I will feel better. I am soo pissed that I have only lost two lbs in the last two weeks and it is making me not want to eat healthy and do this. Then, I read wieght watcher success stories and I know that I am doing the right thing. It says on wieght watchers you are only supposed to lose 1 to 2 lbs a week. I guess that is what I am doing. I just wanna it to be faster. I need patience! I need to relax and I don't know what to do to relax. It is wierd to be when you take away binge eating from my life how I have ZERO coping skills. I know excersing will make me feel better but I honestly don't want to do it.
It is just a bad day...I can't stop crying...I can't stop doubting myself. I mean can I really do this? I just don't see myself doing this. I have failed so many times before. I am failure. I don't know how people do this! I am really pissed at myself and I don't know how to get over it. I am pissed at eevryone around me. I feel like no one understands how hard this is and no one can understand how I feel. I feel so lonely, not only in this whole diet thing, but work too. My pitchers didnt have a good weekend and I couldn't help but think about how I am a bad coach and I don't know what I am doing, that attitude is leaking into my diet. I fucking suck at this. I suck at everything.....
...I need to find my happy...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
update!
Well today was weigh in day and I only lost 1lb again! Kinda sad....But, it was my first weekend on the road. I made ok choices. I need to get better about it.
The hardest thing for me was wanting to be comforted by food. I was stressed out all weekend. My jaw hurts from the stress, and all I wanted was to be comforted by food....I need to find something else that gives me that comfort. I will find it. So I am down 21 lbs. I feel good! I can do this! At least I didn't gain. I need to grow some patience!
Today I offically commited to palying on a summer softball team. AHHHH...so I need to get into much better shape. I am pretty exicted about it! I thought it would be a great motivation tool.
Next will be a better week! I refuse for it to be any different!!!
The hardest thing for me was wanting to be comforted by food. I was stressed out all weekend. My jaw hurts from the stress, and all I wanted was to be comforted by food....I need to find something else that gives me that comfort. I will find it. So I am down 21 lbs. I feel good! I can do this! At least I didn't gain. I need to grow some patience!
Today I offically commited to palying on a summer softball team. AHHHH...so I need to get into much better shape. I am pretty exicted about it! I thought it would be a great motivation tool.
Next will be a better week! I refuse for it to be any different!!!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Missing HIM.
About 15 summers ago I got my first marriage proposal. I was in the basement of my Aunt Krista's house and was jumping on her trampoline. I took a break and my dear friend Zach handed me a stuffed green turtle and said...I am going to marry you one day and I answered no your not, you didn't even ask! And he said, fine, Will you Marry me? I said of course! I was like 10! I didn't know what I was getting myself into! Years later he was my first date. He took me to the movies and dinner. I will never forget how he smelled. He always smelled good! Then I remember he took me off roading on the gravel roads. I have never laughed that hard!
One of the fondest memories I have him happened maybe when I was 16 maybe 17. Me and my Mom were in Iowa visiting which always made me excited cause I got to see Zach. He wanted to go out but at the time he no longer had a car. So I asked my Mom if I could take her rental car. A ford explorer. It was summer time and a storm was coming in. I picked Zach up and he said he wanted to take me somewhere. My mom told me before I left, you MUST be home for dinner with the family, and DO NOT LET Zach drive because he didn't have his lincense at the time, I think, I don't remember why she didn't want him driving. Well when I picked up he wanted to drive so I let him. (of course! he was older and I wasn't going to do the baby thing and say no my mom said no). Also, when we left his house his mom made it clear to Zach that I was a good girl and he was not to do anything that would get us in trouble. You see Zach was the sweetest, cutest, badass trouble maker! Well, he wanted to take me down by the river, and it was in a very woody part of the river. We sat by the river and he told me he loved me and that he was ready to get his life together and be a good man for me. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed and I told him I loved him too. Well he was like babe, wanna have some fun? I said of course so we went offroading in the mud! A storm was coming in so the mud was getting really thick and and we got stuck! I mean stuck we couldn't reverse or go foward. It started getting dark and we were so far in the woods we didn't have service on our phones to call anyone. I will never forget how panic ridden Zach got cause he realized we weren't going to make it to family dinner and he didn't want to make my mom mad or get in trouble like it seemed he always was. We had fun! We were laughing, and kissing, jsut two kdis stuck in the woods. Well, Zach walked and walked till he got service and one of his friends came out and pulled us out of the mud. We had to stop on the way home to clean the car, becasue it was covered in Mud and we didn't want my mom to find out what were doing because we knew she would get mad. I walked into family dinner and of course got reemed by my mom for being late but I secretly was smiling from ear to ear for memories I would never forget.
Years later he wanted to go to a park one winter. Ohh the way he smells...I remember what he was wearing on that day and the way he smelt. Well the pond was frozen and Zach was trying to show off and walk on the frozen pond and he slipped really bad and hit his head. He was soo embaressed! I remember we had to go back to his house so he could change and he was like babe, please don't talk to my mom for a long time when we go home, i barely see you and I wanna kiss you, not listen to you talk to my mom. You see, me and his mom have always been close. I love her! We are still close! His mom laughed so hard when he came home and toldher what happened, and that made him even mader! Oh his mad face, I could kiss him and erase all that anger.
November 10th of 2007 (i think, or 2006) Zach left this world. We were no longer together, I had a girlfriend then, we stopped talking a few months before because his bad habits got the best of him. It kills me even today. I miss him, I miss his tired voice. I miss the way he melts bad days away. I miss the way he would get really quiet and tell me he loves me. I miss my friend. Everytime I go to iowa, I still get the nervous butterflies like I am going to see him, but then I am reminded that he is no longer here. I miss him talking to his sisters while I was on the phone. His baby sister used to come in his room and tell him he was scared and he would always comfort her, and let her lay with him. It always blows my mind how much I remember about the times that I have spent with him. Today is Feb. 10th. It seems every 10th goes by and I am flooded with memories of him. Today, Brad Paisley's Mud on the Tires song came up and I got wrapped up in memories of getting stuck in the mud and before I knew it I was wiping tears away.
I miss you Zach. RIP!
One of the fondest memories I have him happened maybe when I was 16 maybe 17. Me and my Mom were in Iowa visiting which always made me excited cause I got to see Zach. He wanted to go out but at the time he no longer had a car. So I asked my Mom if I could take her rental car. A ford explorer. It was summer time and a storm was coming in. I picked Zach up and he said he wanted to take me somewhere. My mom told me before I left, you MUST be home for dinner with the family, and DO NOT LET Zach drive because he didn't have his lincense at the time, I think, I don't remember why she didn't want him driving. Well when I picked up he wanted to drive so I let him. (of course! he was older and I wasn't going to do the baby thing and say no my mom said no). Also, when we left his house his mom made it clear to Zach that I was a good girl and he was not to do anything that would get us in trouble. You see Zach was the sweetest, cutest, badass trouble maker! Well, he wanted to take me down by the river, and it was in a very woody part of the river. We sat by the river and he told me he loved me and that he was ready to get his life together and be a good man for me. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed and I told him I loved him too. Well he was like babe, wanna have some fun? I said of course so we went offroading in the mud! A storm was coming in so the mud was getting really thick and and we got stuck! I mean stuck we couldn't reverse or go foward. It started getting dark and we were so far in the woods we didn't have service on our phones to call anyone. I will never forget how panic ridden Zach got cause he realized we weren't going to make it to family dinner and he didn't want to make my mom mad or get in trouble like it seemed he always was. We had fun! We were laughing, and kissing, jsut two kdis stuck in the woods. Well, Zach walked and walked till he got service and one of his friends came out and pulled us out of the mud. We had to stop on the way home to clean the car, becasue it was covered in Mud and we didn't want my mom to find out what were doing because we knew she would get mad. I walked into family dinner and of course got reemed by my mom for being late but I secretly was smiling from ear to ear for memories I would never forget.
Years later he wanted to go to a park one winter. Ohh the way he smells...I remember what he was wearing on that day and the way he smelt. Well the pond was frozen and Zach was trying to show off and walk on the frozen pond and he slipped really bad and hit his head. He was soo embaressed! I remember we had to go back to his house so he could change and he was like babe, please don't talk to my mom for a long time when we go home, i barely see you and I wanna kiss you, not listen to you talk to my mom. You see, me and his mom have always been close. I love her! We are still close! His mom laughed so hard when he came home and toldher what happened, and that made him even mader! Oh his mad face, I could kiss him and erase all that anger.
November 10th of 2007 (i think, or 2006) Zach left this world. We were no longer together, I had a girlfriend then, we stopped talking a few months before because his bad habits got the best of him. It kills me even today. I miss him, I miss his tired voice. I miss the way he melts bad days away. I miss the way he would get really quiet and tell me he loves me. I miss my friend. Everytime I go to iowa, I still get the nervous butterflies like I am going to see him, but then I am reminded that he is no longer here. I miss him talking to his sisters while I was on the phone. His baby sister used to come in his room and tell him he was scared and he would always comfort her, and let her lay with him. It always blows my mind how much I remember about the times that I have spent with him. Today is Feb. 10th. It seems every 10th goes by and I am flooded with memories of him. Today, Brad Paisley's Mud on the Tires song came up and I got wrapped up in memories of getting stuck in the mud and before I knew it I was wiping tears away.
I miss you Zach. RIP!
Well...Well...
Well I lost 1 lb this week! I wasnt happy about it....but at least I didn't gain. I didnt cheat so that was good. I have a big week the week before so I was expecting a big number. But that offically put me at 20 lbs lost!!! I feel great!
I am such better shape. Yesterday I pitched to the girls on my team...like not just Batting Practice but actually pitched and I lasted. In the fall I pitched to them and I am not kidding when I say I lasted THREE batters and seriously felt like I was going to throw up! Well, this time arround I pitched to 7 girls about 12 pitches each! Then I had the same moment...where the world is spinning and you have to go outside but I recovered got back up and pitched to about 5 more girls then I let people have at bats against me! It was soooo fun! I am thinking about playing softball this summer for a womens major team! It is basically adult travel ball. Some old pros play on the team and some good pitchers from around the area. I miss competing so much! I also think it would be a great goal before my 5k to get into pitching shape. This week I did Julian Micheals workout video. Her 30 lb shred! I tried in a while ago and seriously couldn't do it at all...this week I did it!! I had to stop some....but I did the whole video..level 1! I am really excited about that! I miss working out...I love the way it makes me feel. I like how much happier I am. I love how much better I feel about myself. I was so sore after doing that workout video so I am going to have to do it more! I also took 40 sec off my mile this week! I will test my mile again on Monday to see if it gets any better!!!
Today I leave for our first road trip. I will be away for 4 days! AHHHHHH...I am nervous about the food! Heather hasn't really recovered from her road trip...she stayed the say last week in the wiegh in and she is upset! She said she made really really good choices! So we shall see! I am going to make it a point to work out and I am going to try my BEST to only eat good things. I know I can do it!
The other night..I had a really bad craving for fast food. I was ready to throw in the towel and just go eat it and say screw the lifestyle change! I wanted it soo bad. I even looked up how many points it would be and everything thinking I won't make a horrible choice but I craved fatty fatty food! Well, I didn't go...and I was really proud but, then I felt guilty....I didn't even cheat but I felt guilty that I even thought about cheating...It is weird what your minds does to you!!!
I hope my pitchers so well this weekend because I have put so much work into them and I don't want the stress of them doing horrible. I know this is shelfish...but I don't wanna have that out of control feeling because that brings on binge eating!!! I have faith that they have learned well and will do ok!
......here goes nothing....
I am such better shape. Yesterday I pitched to the girls on my team...like not just Batting Practice but actually pitched and I lasted. In the fall I pitched to them and I am not kidding when I say I lasted THREE batters and seriously felt like I was going to throw up! Well, this time arround I pitched to 7 girls about 12 pitches each! Then I had the same moment...where the world is spinning and you have to go outside but I recovered got back up and pitched to about 5 more girls then I let people have at bats against me! It was soooo fun! I am thinking about playing softball this summer for a womens major team! It is basically adult travel ball. Some old pros play on the team and some good pitchers from around the area. I miss competing so much! I also think it would be a great goal before my 5k to get into pitching shape. This week I did Julian Micheals workout video. Her 30 lb shred! I tried in a while ago and seriously couldn't do it at all...this week I did it!! I had to stop some....but I did the whole video..level 1! I am really excited about that! I miss working out...I love the way it makes me feel. I like how much happier I am. I love how much better I feel about myself. I was so sore after doing that workout video so I am going to have to do it more! I also took 40 sec off my mile this week! I will test my mile again on Monday to see if it gets any better!!!
Today I leave for our first road trip. I will be away for 4 days! AHHHHHH...I am nervous about the food! Heather hasn't really recovered from her road trip...she stayed the say last week in the wiegh in and she is upset! She said she made really really good choices! So we shall see! I am going to make it a point to work out and I am going to try my BEST to only eat good things. I know I can do it!
The other night..I had a really bad craving for fast food. I was ready to throw in the towel and just go eat it and say screw the lifestyle change! I wanted it soo bad. I even looked up how many points it would be and everything thinking I won't make a horrible choice but I craved fatty fatty food! Well, I didn't go...and I was really proud but, then I felt guilty....I didn't even cheat but I felt guilty that I even thought about cheating...It is weird what your minds does to you!!!
I hope my pitchers so well this weekend because I have put so much work into them and I don't want the stress of them doing horrible. I know this is shelfish...but I don't wanna have that out of control feeling because that brings on binge eating!!! I have faith that they have learned well and will do ok!
......here goes nothing....
Friday, February 4, 2011
Well I am in week five or four I don't remember...I am going to stop counting the weeks because...it honestly is just a new way of life. I have not had fast food since Jan. 1st...I beieve or December 31st...and that is crazy! I feel great! I have not had a headache in so long and I used to have headaches like 4 to 5 times a week. I think I was addicted to fast food.
So...I tried to run a mile the other day and my knee hasnt recovered yet. It is so swollen. I know that this will be my biggest hurdle. My damn knee. It was nice though because it felt good to be outside and running and I thought I really want to be a runner. The way your mind lets go and you can just listen to music and let everything go is a good feeling. I wish I was in better shape so I could run longer...walking is not the same as running. I love the way your heart beats when your running...with every beat it is letting something go. A little wierd for a 350 lb girl to be saying this. I am finding I am getting in better shape because the elpitical is too hard to get my heart rate up for a high intensity workout. Don't let me fool...I am no where close to great or even good shape. But, a month has made some changes already. I can't imgaine what I will feel like in a year!
I don't feel good about the diet yet. Like, I really want to get down to 330...because I know I will start to feel better. Like, right now when I still 350 something...I can't help but think damn....I have been here wayyy to long. I just got to keep working.
Heather is gone at an away track meet and it is the first time I have have a couple of days alone since I think I have moved in the house. It has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I truly love Heather more than anything in this world. I have been with her for almost 4 years now. We have had plenty, I mean plenty of downs. But, I have grown up with her. I am so happy that we have worked hard on our reltionship to get to the point that we are today. I couldn't be with anyone else. She is the only person other than my family that loves me for what I can do and what I can't do. She doesn't take from me...she gives me the world and makes me smile and laugh more than anyone. She is my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I miss her so much when I sleep and she isn't there. I can't help but think that I want to lose wieght so I can have more time with her because forever just doesn't seem like enough time. I love that I am 25 I don't have any kids yet. I have had this time to think about what kind of Mom, and what kind of parents me and Heather want to be. I know that once I lose this weight I will be ready to have kids. Sometimes I cry because I want to be a mom so bad. I know that it is what I am meant to be. You know. I can't even imagine the joy of having a little being in my life. I am ready for the new and exciting things that this life has to offer me. I am full of happiness and love and I know that I am open to have good things happen to me.
I can't help but feel extremely vulernable with every pound I lose. I struggle sometimes losing wieght because I feel like it is almost shelfish to workout sometimes. Like, I need to take care of the dogs or the house or Heather. The logical side of me says that isn't the case but sometimes I feel like that. I have hidden behind being overweight for so long and losing a pound means a little bit more of me is showing. Lots of people have left me in my life...and somehow in the back of my mind I always blame it on my wieght. Before girls, I let men come and leave as they pleased. I was always in control with men. I always had fun having them fall for me because I was fun and carefree...always hiding behind my wieght. It is hard to explain. But, I feel extremely vulnerbale now, like what if I am not good enough when I am smaller? What if the people who love me still leave....
.....I don't know if that makes sense yet...I need more time to put those words together...all I know is that I love my Heather and I feel awesome about what I am doing.....
...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...
So...I tried to run a mile the other day and my knee hasnt recovered yet. It is so swollen. I know that this will be my biggest hurdle. My damn knee. It was nice though because it felt good to be outside and running and I thought I really want to be a runner. The way your mind lets go and you can just listen to music and let everything go is a good feeling. I wish I was in better shape so I could run longer...walking is not the same as running. I love the way your heart beats when your running...with every beat it is letting something go. A little wierd for a 350 lb girl to be saying this. I am finding I am getting in better shape because the elpitical is too hard to get my heart rate up for a high intensity workout. Don't let me fool...I am no where close to great or even good shape. But, a month has made some changes already. I can't imgaine what I will feel like in a year!
I don't feel good about the diet yet. Like, I really want to get down to 330...because I know I will start to feel better. Like, right now when I still 350 something...I can't help but think damn....I have been here wayyy to long. I just got to keep working.
Heather is gone at an away track meet and it is the first time I have have a couple of days alone since I think I have moved in the house. It has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I truly love Heather more than anything in this world. I have been with her for almost 4 years now. We have had plenty, I mean plenty of downs. But, I have grown up with her. I am so happy that we have worked hard on our reltionship to get to the point that we are today. I couldn't be with anyone else. She is the only person other than my family that loves me for what I can do and what I can't do. She doesn't take from me...she gives me the world and makes me smile and laugh more than anyone. She is my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I miss her so much when I sleep and she isn't there. I can't help but think that I want to lose wieght so I can have more time with her because forever just doesn't seem like enough time. I love that I am 25 I don't have any kids yet. I have had this time to think about what kind of Mom, and what kind of parents me and Heather want to be. I know that once I lose this weight I will be ready to have kids. Sometimes I cry because I want to be a mom so bad. I know that it is what I am meant to be. You know. I can't even imagine the joy of having a little being in my life. I am ready for the new and exciting things that this life has to offer me. I am full of happiness and love and I know that I am open to have good things happen to me.
I can't help but feel extremely vulernable with every pound I lose. I struggle sometimes losing wieght because I feel like it is almost shelfish to workout sometimes. Like, I need to take care of the dogs or the house or Heather. The logical side of me says that isn't the case but sometimes I feel like that. I have hidden behind being overweight for so long and losing a pound means a little bit more of me is showing. Lots of people have left me in my life...and somehow in the back of my mind I always blame it on my wieght. Before girls, I let men come and leave as they pleased. I was always in control with men. I always had fun having them fall for me because I was fun and carefree...always hiding behind my wieght. It is hard to explain. But, I feel extremely vulnerbale now, like what if I am not good enough when I am smaller? What if the people who love me still leave....
.....I don't know if that makes sense yet...I need more time to put those words together...all I know is that I love my Heather and I feel awesome about what I am doing.....
...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I really like this..
Well I reached 5% lost today. One month down! 5% gone! 19lbs gone! YIPPIIIEE is all I can say!! It doesn't seem like a lot...but I did it!!!Heather did it too!!! I am very proud of her!
I tried running this week and it was very very hard but that is ok! I am going to keep trying! I figured out the target working out range and I am excited because I am doing things that make me happy!!!
I am sooo excited!!!!:):):)
I tried running this week and it was very very hard but that is ok! I am going to keep trying! I figured out the target working out range and I am excited because I am doing things that make me happy!!!
I am sooo excited!!!!:):):)
Monday, January 24, 2011
BIRTHDAY GIFT
Thank the SCALE GODS......I lost 3 lbs! So I have officially lost 12 pounds to date and don't feel like I am giving up anything just changing my life. It is crazy because this time last year I was down 25...and saying I am done I have lost enough weight and I am tired of sacrificing. This year...I don't care that is half the weight because I know that I am doing it the right way for me and I am going to this for a long time. If I lost three pounds every week for a year I would be a new person...I have to keep telling myself that!
It is a little weird that I am 25! My birthday gift this year from Heather was gum...hahah good diet gift!!! And we are going to dinner tonight and she won't tell me where...but that is ok. I have saved all my extra points for dinner tonight and I am excited to get out of the house! :)
God send me the best birthday gift ever...SNOW....God, I love it and it never gets old to me! This birthday has been great and it is only 8:45 in the morning! I love my life and I love the choices that I have made and I am doing good things! I am conquering this weight thing. It will no longer win! I win! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH...
It is a little weird that I am 25! My birthday gift this year from Heather was gum...hahah good diet gift!!! And we are going to dinner tonight and she won't tell me where...but that is ok. I have saved all my extra points for dinner tonight and I am excited to get out of the house! :)
God send me the best birthday gift ever...SNOW....God, I love it and it never gets old to me! This birthday has been great and it is only 8:45 in the morning! I love my life and I love the choices that I have made and I am doing good things! I am conquering this weight thing. It will no longer win! I win! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH...
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Crazy Week
I can't believe that it has been a week that I have been back to work. This season is going to go by so fast! I have had no time to blog:(. Kinda makes me sad. Well as you all know last week I gained a pound and didn't cheat. But, I only had 5 activity points. You see in weight watchers you get activity points when you work out. This week I have 27! It should be a much much better week!
I am going to weigh in tomorrow instead of Tuesday because tomorrow is my birthday and I don't want the stress of a weigh in. Not, that I am going to cheat I just don't want to worry about it. The scale has become my challenge. I want to beat it this week. I honestly know that I have done EVERYTHING I could!
I can't believe tomorrow I will be 25!!!!! AHHHHHH...I feel soooooo old! I am so proud of myself for doing this. I have not had fast food since the 1ST!!!! That is insane to me! I am in the habit phase. I can drive by a fast food place and it is no big thing. I mean two weeks ago I didn't even want to the house because I couldn't handle all the triggers. Now, I am driving an hour each way to work and back and not stopping for food and bringing APPLES to snack on! This is crazy!
I have to tell you guys this baking story. I was baking these cookies a week ago(this might be the reason i gained a pound, also it was that time of the month:() and it was a weight watcher recipe. Well, the serving size is half of teaspoon! DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW SMALL THAT COOKIE IS??? Well Heather thought it was going to be hard to just eat one cookie but, the hardest part for me was the dough. I sat down at the couch and had heaping half teaspoons of the dough. Heather was like, Jordan go put the dough in the sink. I was like nooo....and it was kind of funny at the time. I couldn't stop laughing....and then i was crying...and then laughing...and then crying....and then I just sat there and cried. I wasn't in control. I did put the dough in the sink, and put water on it....but it was hard for me...and I didn't even think that would be a problem for me. So, no baking for a while!
.....I can't believe I am going to be 25 when I wake up....and I am excited to see a lower number on the scale!!!
I am going to weigh in tomorrow instead of Tuesday because tomorrow is my birthday and I don't want the stress of a weigh in. Not, that I am going to cheat I just don't want to worry about it. The scale has become my challenge. I want to beat it this week. I honestly know that I have done EVERYTHING I could!
I can't believe tomorrow I will be 25!!!!! AHHHHHH...I feel soooooo old! I am so proud of myself for doing this. I have not had fast food since the 1ST!!!! That is insane to me! I am in the habit phase. I can drive by a fast food place and it is no big thing. I mean two weeks ago I didn't even want to the house because I couldn't handle all the triggers. Now, I am driving an hour each way to work and back and not stopping for food and bringing APPLES to snack on! This is crazy!
I have to tell you guys this baking story. I was baking these cookies a week ago(this might be the reason i gained a pound, also it was that time of the month:() and it was a weight watcher recipe. Well, the serving size is half of teaspoon! DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW SMALL THAT COOKIE IS??? Well Heather thought it was going to be hard to just eat one cookie but, the hardest part for me was the dough. I sat down at the couch and had heaping half teaspoons of the dough. Heather was like, Jordan go put the dough in the sink. I was like nooo....and it was kind of funny at the time. I couldn't stop laughing....and then i was crying...and then laughing...and then crying....and then I just sat there and cried. I wasn't in control. I did put the dough in the sink, and put water on it....but it was hard for me...and I didn't even think that would be a problem for me. So, no baking for a while!
.....I can't believe I am going to be 25 when I wake up....and I am excited to see a lower number on the scale!!!
Friday, January 21, 2011
Well, I know that I have not posted for a while. It is because I have been back to work and I have zero time again!!:) But, I am going in a little later this morning so I have a little time! Well weigh in was Tuesday and I gained a pound. Honestly I was so pissed because I didn't cheat! I have yet to cheat! I am just gunna keep working and doing what I need to do. I didn't gain to the weight in on night...so I am not going to lose in one night!
I want this soo bad and it made me so mad to not see in weight loss. I thought to myself...I could of eaten bad food and gained a pound. Not, good food. How is that even possible. We will see what this week brings me! Maybe I have something wrong with me that I can't lose weight!??? I am going to try really hard this week and see what happens!
I gotta now...gotta go work out....and do this!!:)
I want this soo bad and it made me so mad to not see in weight loss. I thought to myself...I could of eaten bad food and gained a pound. Not, good food. How is that even possible. We will see what this week brings me! Maybe I have something wrong with me that I can't lose weight!??? I am going to try really hard this week and see what happens!
I gotta now...gotta go work out....and do this!!:)
Friday, January 14, 2011
I deserve this
Well today is Heather's first track meet of the year. She is in her senior at Kentucky so this is it. She has worked hard and is going to achieve her goal of being an All-American this year in the weight throw this year. I am soo excited to be able to go to her meet tonight because with my season starting soon I will be very busy. Everything sounds good right? Well, it isn't peachy because track meets mean that Heather's family know where she will be and they will come. I am not really going to air Heathers business on my blog but the bottom line is they are the most unsupported family I have ever seen. The thing that gets me is they don't support Heather for being gay but yet try to interrupt her life. I know what you guys are thinking why does this matter to me? Well, last night her brother was extremely rude. Heather got texts from him saying that he was coming to the track meet tomorrow and when Heather answered that she didn't want him there he responded with enjoy your fat girlfriend, who is physco and when track is done i hope you enjoy being a "gay" couple, because that is all you will be and have. He said much much worse that I can't even put in this blog because too many children read this. The thing that gets me, is not the fat comment, because honestly who cares, but it the fact that he said "all you will ever be is that gay couple." What does that mean? Your damn right will be that gay couple and we will enjoy it. I love Heather more than anything in this world. She is the other half to my whole. She makes the happiest woman alive. She supports me, she makes me laugh, she is caring, loving, and she works hard at everything she does. How can someone say that is wrong? Because she is a woman and I am a woman? How could her own blood say that? It was hard for me last night because when I hear those words come out of her brothers mouth I want to curl up in ball and cry and say I don't deserve it because I have never done anything to those people. They hate me because I am woman. They hate me because I am fat. They hate me because they think my parents are crazy. They hate me because my name is Jordan. They hate me for everything I am. And because they hate me, they hate Heather. I am the reason Heather can't have a family. Because she loves a woman. In the past, I have curled up in a ball, and cried and said I can't handle the drama. Not last night, I held it together and I listened while Heather cried. I was the rock last night, like I should be. It isn't about me and that was a tough lesson to learn. Her family says she is confused and they feel like if they come to track meets and they see her family she will somehow be "UNGAY." Does that really happen?
Yesterday Oprah had a guest on her show that talked about one of keys of weight loss was knowing your barriers or things that hold you back. I can say a barrier of mine for three years has been her family. I used not feel good enough. Like, I there must be something wrong with me for them to think such hateful things about me. Every time I felt good about myself, I felt guilty because the drama of them was always in front of me. If I lost some weight, I would always be Heather's fat girlfriend, so why try. I was always seeking for approval from them. I wanted them to like me so bad because I loved their daughter. They never would. No amount of weight I lost, or challenged I achieved was good enough. I struggled between being there for my girlfriend and trying to keep myself protected from the hate. All the while eating and throwing my worth away. Not anymore. I am a great person that can offer this world a great thing. I deserve this, and even though her family tries to hold me back and hurt me, you cant hurt me. It isn't about Jordan. You hate that I am woman. DAMN RIGHT I AM!!!! ....a very strong woman....who won't let you win anymore!
...I deserve this...I deserve to feel good about myself....
It is very hard for me type that. I do deserve this and typing it out makes me cry. They can't hurt me anymore.
Yesterday Oprah had a guest on her show that talked about one of keys of weight loss was knowing your barriers or things that hold you back. I can say a barrier of mine for three years has been her family. I used not feel good enough. Like, I there must be something wrong with me for them to think such hateful things about me. Every time I felt good about myself, I felt guilty because the drama of them was always in front of me. If I lost some weight, I would always be Heather's fat girlfriend, so why try. I was always seeking for approval from them. I wanted them to like me so bad because I loved their daughter. They never would. No amount of weight I lost, or challenged I achieved was good enough. I struggled between being there for my girlfriend and trying to keep myself protected from the hate. All the while eating and throwing my worth away. Not anymore. I am a great person that can offer this world a great thing. I deserve this, and even though her family tries to hold me back and hurt me, you cant hurt me. It isn't about Jordan. You hate that I am woman. DAMN RIGHT I AM!!!! ....a very strong woman....who won't let you win anymore!
...I deserve this...I deserve to feel good about myself....
It is very hard for me type that. I do deserve this and typing it out makes me cry. They can't hurt me anymore.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Well, I need to get something off my chest. I have seen this on Facebook by a couple of people. They put status's up that say that gym is very busy at the start of the new year and it is because all the "fatties" are there and they will only be there for a couple of weeks and then be gone. It breaks my heart to see that. I know that people think they are being funny when they say that but truly, is it? My thing is, alot of people at the new year wanna change things about themselves. So, lets take a 400 lb woman. She goes to the gym every morning and she she struggles because she wants to look like the other girls who are working out next to her but she knows she has a long long road. The 150 girl works out next to the 400 lb girl and thinks, "oh she is just a fatty, she will be gone in two weeks". I just don't think this is positive. What do you people want. To work out with two treadmills. Why does it matter who is next to you. Shouldn't you be happy for all the people who are working out and changing their lives. So here is the challenge, stop judging us for being at the gym. Everyone has a story. Be the change you want to see in your life! Help out the person next you who is struggling. Maybe she just needs someone to believe in her. To you guys that have said that, shame on you.
Ok now that I got that off my chest, I am in week two and struggling. I have not cheated and honestly have no desire to at all. Heather has been my biggest challenge. I have had to tell her no fast food a couple of times. I just can't handle going to fast food right now even I stay in my points because the temptation to cheat is way way to high to go outside of my points. I find myself saying, ' I don't need to work out because I lost nine pounds and even if I don't work out this week, I will still lose weight." I need to kick that thought right in the ASS. So, today I will work out so I feel better. I think I am PMSING bad! I find myself crying today for nothing and I know this part I always cheat. I am emotional of just wanna EAT EAT EAT!!
The biggest loser is very good this season! I love watching it!I used to be fat this week, also made me cry! That will be my saying, :I USED TO BE FAT:.
........just waiting and working hard to hear that come out of my mouth....
Ok now that I got that off my chest, I am in week two and struggling. I have not cheated and honestly have no desire to at all. Heather has been my biggest challenge. I have had to tell her no fast food a couple of times. I just can't handle going to fast food right now even I stay in my points because the temptation to cheat is way way to high to go outside of my points. I find myself saying, ' I don't need to work out because I lost nine pounds and even if I don't work out this week, I will still lose weight." I need to kick that thought right in the ASS. So, today I will work out so I feel better. I think I am PMSING bad! I find myself crying today for nothing and I know this part I always cheat. I am emotional of just wanna EAT EAT EAT!!
The biggest loser is very good this season! I love watching it!I used to be fat this week, also made me cry! That will be my saying, :I USED TO BE FAT:.
........just waiting and working hard to hear that come out of my mouth....
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
First week down
Well....drumnroollll pleasee.....
....I lost 9.2 lbs!!!! And I did it the right way. I wasn't starving and I worked out a little, not to much where it was hard, but enough to start making life differences!
....It snowed again and it is snowing now....well on my way to my ugg boot outfit:):):):):):):):)
...now the next challenge...can I do it for the 2nd week in a row!
....I lost 9.2 lbs!!!! And I did it the right way. I wasn't starving and I worked out a little, not to much where it was hard, but enough to start making life differences!
....It snowed again and it is snowing now....well on my way to my ugg boot outfit:):):):):):):):)
...now the next challenge...can I do it for the 2nd week in a row!
Monday, January 10, 2011
Very Excited
Well tomorrow is the big day:) It is weigh in day and I am actually so excited because I know that I have been doing everything that I need to be doing. I just got done working out and I am laying on the floor in front of the fire watching my dogs sleeping wondering how could life get any better. I am finally doing this for myself and I see so much light at the end of the tunnel:)
Last night I got to eat pizza and I didn't even cheat because I stayed within my points! I like this diet because it basically lets you eat what you want in moderation. My biggest challenge will be this next week! As I said, I always do good for a week or two and then I feel really good and I go cheat. I feel great! My body feels good and I am in a happy place.
I go back to work on Wednesday. I am kind of excited to get the season going. It will be a very big challenge for my weight and also my relationship. As of right now, me and Heather will not have one weekend together from Feb. to May. Between her traveling and mine we won't see each other alot. It will be hard. I know that! In the past that has caused major conflicts but this will be the difference this year. I didn't eat out for one solid week, until pizza last night which I don't really wanna call fast food! I got to keep this up! I am doing so much better!
So people have been emailing me soo much support and I love it! Thanks guys! Everyone is asking if I want healthy recipes. I DO! So, send them my way. I miss baking already! So, send some healthy stuff my way!
The way that I am working out does not make me sore. I learned there is a certain heart rate that you can go into that builds lactic acid and that is what makes you sore. I am staying away from that heart rate right now because building muscle is not what I am doing right now. It is nice because I feel like I can work out longer:) I know this sounds crazy but I used to work out too hard and I would hurt so bad after I was done. So, if anyone is having this problem talk to me! I might be able to help:) OH MY GOD. I MIGHT BE GIVING SOMEONE WORK OUT TIPS.....ahhhh new me!!!!:):)
...I have the power to change me:) I am doing it. Can't wait for weigh in day tomorrow:)
Last night I got to eat pizza and I didn't even cheat because I stayed within my points! I like this diet because it basically lets you eat what you want in moderation. My biggest challenge will be this next week! As I said, I always do good for a week or two and then I feel really good and I go cheat. I feel great! My body feels good and I am in a happy place.
I go back to work on Wednesday. I am kind of excited to get the season going. It will be a very big challenge for my weight and also my relationship. As of right now, me and Heather will not have one weekend together from Feb. to May. Between her traveling and mine we won't see each other alot. It will be hard. I know that! In the past that has caused major conflicts but this will be the difference this year. I didn't eat out for one solid week, until pizza last night which I don't really wanna call fast food! I got to keep this up! I am doing so much better!
So people have been emailing me soo much support and I love it! Thanks guys! Everyone is asking if I want healthy recipes. I DO! So, send them my way. I miss baking already! So, send some healthy stuff my way!
The way that I am working out does not make me sore. I learned there is a certain heart rate that you can go into that builds lactic acid and that is what makes you sore. I am staying away from that heart rate right now because building muscle is not what I am doing right now. It is nice because I feel like I can work out longer:) I know this sounds crazy but I used to work out too hard and I would hurt so bad after I was done. So, if anyone is having this problem talk to me! I might be able to help:) OH MY GOD. I MIGHT BE GIVING SOMEONE WORK OUT TIPS.....ahhhh new me!!!!:):)
...I have the power to change me:) I am doing it. Can't wait for weigh in day tomorrow:)
Friday, January 7, 2011
Learning
Well I know that I should not weigh myself more than once a week but I couldn't help it this morning. According to the scale I have already lost 5 lbs. I am not going to make it official because I am only supposed to weigh in on Tuesdays because that is the day I weigh in for weight watchers. I had to weigh myself because I honestly thought I was eating too much and I didn't think weight watchers was working. I don't know why I felt like that. Well, I have an idea. Lets put this in prospective. Yesterday I was interested in finding out how many weight watcher points Velveeta mac and cheese was. I was SHOCKED to find out ONE serving was 9 POINTS! I am not lying when I say I used to get a box at time of that stuff which would be 27 POINTS. That would be about half of my points for the day. I get to have 60 points a day right now! So that would be a SIDE dish to a typical meal I would eat. Now, add corn, a meat, maybe some rice. I can only imagine the number of points I was eating in ONE meal! Last night all I keep thinking was why did I do this to myself! I can't believe I was eating like that that! So, I am learning! The crankiness has gone down! I feel like I am starting to get used to eating on this diet. I am working out a little and I feel like I eat all day long. I am glad that I am starting this new way of life before I go back to work so all of my focus on me and I can give it all I have. The next thing I will have to figure out is going to work. I work an hour away and packing a lunch is not really an option for me. So right now, my plan is to being a smart ones frozen one for lunch and eat that. I think that sounds like a good plan.
It snowed a little bit last night and I couldn't help but dream this morning when I woke up. I can't wait till I can wear leggings with ugg boots and a big sweater. I have tried this look at the weight I am at now it is a nooo go! So, next winter I will rock this outfit! I am still feeling very motivated.
The problem I have with weighing myself is that I lose weight and feel great and think I can reward myself with a great meal, which translates to fast food. Not this time, I deserve to feel great about my body not the couple of moments I get with fast food! I just have to keep telling myself that! Weight watchers is not a fad diet, I know that I am not going to get fast results and I have to accept that and know that if I lose 2 pounds a week for the next year of my life I am going to be soo different!
Last year a dear coworker of mine, started a diet that has changed her life and it has been another motivation of mine. I remember seeing the weight come off and telling her how much I respected her because I couldn't do a diet that I didn't get faster results. I remember saying "Lauren do the no carbs thing, you can eat as much as you want, and lose more weight than weight watchers" Well, you can see how that worked out. She is 80 plus lbs lighter and I am actually bigger!!!So, here I am..starting on this new journey.
I am so proud of myself for sticking to this. I know it has only been 5 days. But, I as Bob put in on the biggest loser this week, I can't look at how much I need to lose, just think about today and what you need to do!
..thanks for all the support everyone..I love that everyone is reading this and supporting me. It is just what I need!
It snowed a little bit last night and I couldn't help but dream this morning when I woke up. I can't wait till I can wear leggings with ugg boots and a big sweater. I have tried this look at the weight I am at now it is a nooo go! So, next winter I will rock this outfit! I am still feeling very motivated.
The problem I have with weighing myself is that I lose weight and feel great and think I can reward myself with a great meal, which translates to fast food. Not this time, I deserve to feel great about my body not the couple of moments I get with fast food! I just have to keep telling myself that! Weight watchers is not a fad diet, I know that I am not going to get fast results and I have to accept that and know that if I lose 2 pounds a week for the next year of my life I am going to be soo different!
Last year a dear coworker of mine, started a diet that has changed her life and it has been another motivation of mine. I remember seeing the weight come off and telling her how much I respected her because I couldn't do a diet that I didn't get faster results. I remember saying "Lauren do the no carbs thing, you can eat as much as you want, and lose more weight than weight watchers" Well, you can see how that worked out. She is 80 plus lbs lighter and I am actually bigger!!!So, here I am..starting on this new journey.
I am so proud of myself for sticking to this. I know it has only been 5 days. But, I as Bob put in on the biggest loser this week, I can't look at how much I need to lose, just think about today and what you need to do!
..thanks for all the support everyone..I love that everyone is reading this and supporting me. It is just what I need!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
A big Trigger
Well...it is what the third or forth day in my temptation to cheat is stronger than ever. I just got some news that I don't get paid between semesters because I am a Grad Assistant for softball. Without going into details, I don't have a savings account and I am live literally pay check to pay check. I just bought my first home so between the mortgage and the bills paying off everything in my house I never have any extra cash. I was so proud of myself for saving up for my Vegas trip and I am now I am devastated to learn I don't get a paycheck for a month. It is a very overwhelming feeling to feel like a almost 25 year old and not have this figured out this money thing yet. My brother always makes jokes to me about how bad I am with money and he won't be like me when he grows up and little does he know how hard I try to be good but always fail. The thing is, I don't how to suck at something. Like, I don't know how to work hard to achieve something because I have always been pretty good at what I do. As I lay here, I dream of how good it would feel to binge eat on food and numb this pain of failure I feel for having to call my Dad to bail me out of yet another mistake. I AM NOT GOING TO! I REFUSE! I try so hard to be a good daughter and every time I have to pick up the phone to ask for money I feel like such a dip shit! How do people do it out there who don't have the family back up. Like, how does Heather do it?? My own girlfriend doesn't have the family that I have! I love my parents. They would go the end of the earth and back for my happiness and I will never forget that and pay them back for everything they have done to me. My hope is to be half the parents to my children as they are to me and I think my children will be just fine! They have shown my unconditional love and allowed me to make mistakes and pick me up when I am down. They have allowed to be to pursue each and every one of my dreams. Thank you Mom and Dad! I am soo angry with how I feel right now about this money thing and I don't know how to deal with it. My only only outlet in the past is to go the fridge, and I don't know how to deal with problems now. I HATE the feeling of not being in control. I don't like surprises or when something happens that I am not prepared for like not getting paid for a month. I just wish I knew about this because I would worked hard at lessons or gotten job over break. I have literally been doing nothing. I feel so much guilt for this! I guess this a new lesson to be learned! I am poor! So friends, don't ask me to do anything! I have noooo money! My boss wants to send me on a recruiting trip this weekend and I don't think I can go. First off, I have no money literally can't pay for food on the way up there even if they pay me back later, and second I don't think I should go work if I am not getting paid. Do you know how hard it is for me to say no in the professional world. I want so bad to please and be the best that I can be! I see so much of my mother in me when I work. When I was teenager I hated that when my Mom got cancer she put herself into work and not in me. I know very selfish of me. I have changed my ways but I know understand why she did that! She could control that and she could be good at something! Cancer was controlling her and she wasn't going to let it win. I have never talked to my Mom about that feeling so I don't even know if that is how she feels it was just my experience from the outside. Another thing I feel guilty for...being angry at my mom for cancer...but that is whole other post!
....the good news is writing this makes me feel better. 2011 will be a better me, better weight, better money management, better problem solving skills.
....the good news is writing this makes me feel better. 2011 will be a better me, better weight, better money management, better problem solving skills.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Cranky
I feel like a drug addict....like I am withdrawing from bad food. All I think about is food, all I want is food, all I wanna do is eat. I wanna sleep just because that means I get to wake up and eat. It is a little overwhelming. But, this is the point I usually get to and cheat and say screw it I will try again next week, which next week turns into next month and then next year. Well the good news is that I didn't cheat. I even worked out on the elliptical for 30 min. I figure on the days that it is hard for me and I wanna cheat I should work out. I am pretty good about not cheating once I work out, so I need to know that and keep working out. My grandma is trying to lose weight now, so grandma here is shout out to you! Lets do this! We can do this, I miss you and I love you so much! I will think about you every time I even think about cheating!
I watched the show, Used to be Fat, on MTV!!! I think it is great show! I cried today watching it because I truly feel what those girls feel!
It is hard to go slow and steady...I am pissed I diet for a day and wake up and isn't gone yet. I know that is not possible and I HAVE to learn to keep going.
....today was just a hard day and I know that there are many hard days to come....I can do this!
I watched the show, Used to be Fat, on MTV!!! I think it is great show! I cried today watching it because I truly feel what those girls feel!
It is hard to go slow and steady...I am pissed I diet for a day and wake up and isn't gone yet. I know that is not possible and I HAVE to learn to keep going.
....today was just a hard day and I know that there are many hard days to come....I can do this!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Day One
Well, I signed up for weight watchers and I worked out yesterday in this fat burning zone! It is crazy because I feel like I am not working out but I guess this burns the most fat calories and we all know that is my big need. I need to get a watch thing that tells me what my heart rate so that I can walk the dogs and keep my heart rate at the right number. Maybe a HINT HINT for my parents for my birthday coming up! :)
This year on Thanksgiving I am going to something I have never done. I am going to run a turkey trot. The head coach that I work under likes her girls to run a turkey trot over thanksgiving break and I am going to do it this year. So, the plan is to have my family come to my house for Thanksgiving and run it together as a family. I am hoping maybe by me doing this weight loss thing my brother will do something. He isn't big like me, but I know that if he doesn't start losing now he will get to a point that I am in where you start getting nervous about your future! So there is my big goal. RUN 3.4 OR 3.2 ( cant remember) miles on thanksgiving! When I told my grandma Toots that I was going to do this a while back she was like yeaaahhh...haha...I don't blame her. But, I will do it!
Heather started her last spring in track today. She couldn't sleep last night so we woke up at 4 am this morning and we went grocery shopping. So now, I have no excuses! I only have healthy food in the house and Heather is trying to lose some weight too so I know she will be a good supporter. I can't help but get excited about me doing this. I cant imagine what my new life is going to bring me.
I went back to sleep when we got home and didn't wake up till 1! I am not working right now because we are still on Christmas break but I dread when we are in season because I spend a majority of the time on the road which means FAST FOOD. Fast food is my big big big big big temptation. I am not kidding when I say I AT LEAST eat...two fast food meals in one sitting. Then, you wonder why I am this big. Today I went to Redbox to get some movies because I got a free code in texts today and I drove by Clovers and thought to myself I can cheat. I am by myself, no one will know. I have done that many times before. I can't count how many times I have stopped and gotten fast food and put the trash in someone else's trash can so that I wouldn't get questioned when I would want to eat an hour later. Well, I didn't stop at Culver's and I almost feel like am exhausted from saying no. This is going to be hard and I don't play games I am not good at. I am not good at this weight loss thing or I would be where I want to be, but it is a new year and a new me and I am going to have to start saying NO to fast food! So, little victory, one point for me!:)
I went and got a battery for the scale and I am 371:(. I knew that I was around there. The heaviest I have ever been is 375. So I am right up there. I found that when I saw that number I thought well at least I am not 375. Right after I thought that, I got mad. THAT IS MY PROBLEM. WELL, AT LEAST I AM NOT that Wight! Do you know when you say that statement how you allow yourself to gain more weight. So My attitude is I can't believe that I am 371, and I am never going to see that number because that is just disgusting that I allowed myself to get like this.
.....I can't wait to neverr see that number again.
This year on Thanksgiving I am going to something I have never done. I am going to run a turkey trot. The head coach that I work under likes her girls to run a turkey trot over thanksgiving break and I am going to do it this year. So, the plan is to have my family come to my house for Thanksgiving and run it together as a family. I am hoping maybe by me doing this weight loss thing my brother will do something. He isn't big like me, but I know that if he doesn't start losing now he will get to a point that I am in where you start getting nervous about your future! So there is my big goal. RUN 3.4 OR 3.2 ( cant remember) miles on thanksgiving! When I told my grandma Toots that I was going to do this a while back she was like yeaaahhh...haha...I don't blame her. But, I will do it!
Heather started her last spring in track today. She couldn't sleep last night so we woke up at 4 am this morning and we went grocery shopping. So now, I have no excuses! I only have healthy food in the house and Heather is trying to lose some weight too so I know she will be a good supporter. I can't help but get excited about me doing this. I cant imagine what my new life is going to bring me.
I went back to sleep when we got home and didn't wake up till 1! I am not working right now because we are still on Christmas break but I dread when we are in season because I spend a majority of the time on the road which means FAST FOOD. Fast food is my big big big big big temptation. I am not kidding when I say I AT LEAST eat...two fast food meals in one sitting. Then, you wonder why I am this big. Today I went to Redbox to get some movies because I got a free code in texts today and I drove by Clovers and thought to myself I can cheat. I am by myself, no one will know. I have done that many times before. I can't count how many times I have stopped and gotten fast food and put the trash in someone else's trash can so that I wouldn't get questioned when I would want to eat an hour later. Well, I didn't stop at Culver's and I almost feel like am exhausted from saying no. This is going to be hard and I don't play games I am not good at. I am not good at this weight loss thing or I would be where I want to be, but it is a new year and a new me and I am going to have to start saying NO to fast food! So, little victory, one point for me!:)
I went and got a battery for the scale and I am 371:(. I knew that I was around there. The heaviest I have ever been is 375. So I am right up there. I found that when I saw that number I thought well at least I am not 375. Right after I thought that, I got mad. THAT IS MY PROBLEM. WELL, AT LEAST I AM NOT that Wight! Do you know when you say that statement how you allow yourself to gain more weight. So My attitude is I can't believe that I am 371, and I am never going to see that number because that is just disgusting that I allowed myself to get like this.
.....I can't wait to neverr see that number again.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Start of it all
Exactly one year ago today my Dad started his new journey of weight loss. I can only imagine the feelings that he was going through. I got to spend the Christmas holiday with him and I couldn't help but stare at him because he is now 120 lbs skinner and the smallest I have ever seen him. I remember him driving me the airport last Christmas telling me and Heather that he was going to to the no carb diet and 2010 would be the year he lost weight. I remember thinking yeah uh huh Dad, we have all said that before. I have said it so many times I can't even count. I said the same thing in 2010 and I started the year off great. I had lost 25 pounds by my birthday which is January 24 and I remember cheating on my birthday and throwing up so much because I was drunk and had way to much Mexican food. I used to love margaritas and I can no longer drink them because I am reminded of my golden birthday throwing up session. Story of my life, loss some weight, feel great, cheat, feel guilty, gain all of it back plus more and get sad and say I am going to loss weight again. Well this leads me to a new journey...
2011 will be the year I mEet the new me! Here is my plan of action. I am going to work out as much as I can and I am going to sign up for weight watchers online as soon as I have the money to do so. I have zero money right now because I just got back from a week long Vegas trip and I need to get back on top of money. If my Dad can do it so can I. My plan is start working out in the fat burning zone which for me is going to keep my heart rate right around 120. The set back that I know that I will face is being sore. My body hurts. I have not weighed myself in about 2 months, because my scale is out of batteries, but I would guess I am around 375 but I will get the right number tomorrow. NO ONE knows how bad 375 feels. Let me try to explain. I wake up and my knees hurt so bad I walk funny to the bathroom. When you walk a mile you feel like your feet could fall off they hurt so bad. When your walking up stairs you can actually hear your knees make a crunching sound because they are working to hard. Right now, I don't have any health issues that I know of. NO diabetes, no high blood pressure, no sleep apnoea or any of those obese conditions that I should have. I wouldn't know though because I won't go to the doctor probably because I fear those things coming out of the doctors mouth.
I am scared to fail. Everyone knows that I have tried this before. Everyone has been hearing for years I am going to do it. I can't tell you all why I think this year is different but it is. I will do it. When I entered my freshman year of college I weighed 310 lbs. I lost 60lbs right away. I went home for Christmas that year and I was the smallest I ever remember being. I was 250. That means that i have gained about 125 lbs since then. I wish that I would of known how good it felt to be that size. I wasn't really trying to lose weight it just happened because at the time I was playing college softball and conditioning with my team. Well, then I hurt myself. I have a bad knee that I hurt in high school and it got so bad conditioning with my team I couldn't bend or straighten it. They tried to get me on the bike and in the pool and I would fight everyhting. I was happy at the time. I had never been 250 and I felt that I was the skinniest I have ever been...and I remember thinking back off me!! i am skinny. My coach always wanted more. She thought I could be an all AMERICAN. I didn't care, I went to college for the drinking and the boys...and then the girls:) I have felt a huge amount of guilt lately for taking my gift of softball and not giving it all I had! With me being a softball coach now at a university, I see how much more my girls could be and I can't help but feel bad for my coaches that they saw the same in me. Well back to me being scared. I am scared because division 1 athletics couldn't get the weight off, and now I am trying to do it on my own. Actually typing that, I cry. I want this so bad.
I want to fit in an airplane seat. I wanna go home more and the reason I don't is because I don't want to sit next to a stranger on the airplane or god forbid the airline make me buy two seats. You guys know me, I want to be a Mom. I have this thing with kids. I am a huge woman and no kids seems to be afraid of me. I just have a way with them. I dream of being a mom and I have been saying that for years. How does a 375 woman have a child? Reason number 2! I wanna live as long as I can. This last year I have bought a house, and established the kind of relationship I wanna
So here is my blog. I hope everyone enjoys reading about my journey. Maybe I will help someone with the same problem, and motivate someone the way that my Dad did for me. This blog is a way to keep me on track. Hold myself accountable to my dreams and my goals.
Sit back watch, read, and enjoy the new Jordan...I am excited to meet her!
2011 will be the year I mEet the new me! Here is my plan of action. I am going to work out as much as I can and I am going to sign up for weight watchers online as soon as I have the money to do so. I have zero money right now because I just got back from a week long Vegas trip and I need to get back on top of money. If my Dad can do it so can I. My plan is start working out in the fat burning zone which for me is going to keep my heart rate right around 120. The set back that I know that I will face is being sore. My body hurts. I have not weighed myself in about 2 months, because my scale is out of batteries, but I would guess I am around 375 but I will get the right number tomorrow. NO ONE knows how bad 375 feels. Let me try to explain. I wake up and my knees hurt so bad I walk funny to the bathroom. When you walk a mile you feel like your feet could fall off they hurt so bad. When your walking up stairs you can actually hear your knees make a crunching sound because they are working to hard. Right now, I don't have any health issues that I know of. NO diabetes, no high blood pressure, no sleep apnoea or any of those obese conditions that I should have. I wouldn't know though because I won't go to the doctor probably because I fear those things coming out of the doctors mouth.
I am scared to fail. Everyone knows that I have tried this before. Everyone has been hearing for years I am going to do it. I can't tell you all why I think this year is different but it is. I will do it. When I entered my freshman year of college I weighed 310 lbs. I lost 60lbs right away. I went home for Christmas that year and I was the smallest I ever remember being. I was 250. That means that i have gained about 125 lbs since then. I wish that I would of known how good it felt to be that size. I wasn't really trying to lose weight it just happened because at the time I was playing college softball and conditioning with my team. Well, then I hurt myself. I have a bad knee that I hurt in high school and it got so bad conditioning with my team I couldn't bend or straighten it. They tried to get me on the bike and in the pool and I would fight everyhting. I was happy at the time. I had never been 250 and I felt that I was the skinniest I have ever been...and I remember thinking back off me!! i am skinny. My coach always wanted more. She thought I could be an all AMERICAN. I didn't care, I went to college for the drinking and the boys...and then the girls:) I have felt a huge amount of guilt lately for taking my gift of softball and not giving it all I had! With me being a softball coach now at a university, I see how much more my girls could be and I can't help but feel bad for my coaches that they saw the same in me. Well back to me being scared. I am scared because division 1 athletics couldn't get the weight off, and now I am trying to do it on my own. Actually typing that, I cry. I want this so bad.
I want to fit in an airplane seat. I wanna go home more and the reason I don't is because I don't want to sit next to a stranger on the airplane or god forbid the airline make me buy two seats. You guys know me, I want to be a Mom. I have this thing with kids. I am a huge woman and no kids seems to be afraid of me. I just have a way with them. I dream of being a mom and I have been saying that for years. How does a 375 woman have a child? Reason number 2! I wanna live as long as I can. This last year I have bought a house, and established the kind of relationship I wanna
So here is my blog. I hope everyone enjoys reading about my journey. Maybe I will help someone with the same problem, and motivate someone the way that my Dad did for me. This blog is a way to keep me on track. Hold myself accountable to my dreams and my goals.
Sit back watch, read, and enjoy the new Jordan...I am excited to meet her!
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