Well I am in week five or four I don't remember...I am going to stop counting the weeks because...it honestly is just a new way of life. I have not had fast food since Jan. 1st...I beieve or December 31st...and that is crazy!  I feel great! I have not had a headache in so long and I used to have headaches like 4 to 5 times a week. I think I was addicted to fast food.

So...I tried to run a mile the other day and my knee hasnt recovered yet. It is so swollen. I know that this will be my biggest hurdle. My damn knee. It was nice though because it felt good to be outside and running and I thought I really want to be a runner. The way your mind lets go and you can just listen to music and let everything go is a good feeling. I wish I was in better shape so I could run longer...walking is not the same as running. I love the way your heart beats when your running...with every beat it is letting something go. A little wierd for a 350 lb girl to be saying this. I am finding I am getting in better shape because the elpitical is too hard to get my heart rate up for a high intensity workout. Don't let me fool...I am no where close to great or even good shape. But, a month has made some changes already. I can't imgaine what I will feel like in a year!

I don't feel good about the diet yet. Like, I really want to get down to 330...because I know I will start to feel better. Like, right now when I still 350 something...I can't help but think damn....I have been here wayyy to long. I just got to keep working.

Heather is gone at an away track meet and it is the first time I have have a couple of days alone since I think I have moved in the house. It has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I truly love Heather more than anything in this world. I have been with her for almost 4 years now. We have had plenty, I mean plenty of downs.  But, I have grown up with her. I am so happy that we have worked hard on our reltionship to get to the point that we are today. I couldn't be with anyone else. She is the only person other than my family that loves me for what I can do and what I can't do. She doesn't take from me...she gives me the world and makes me smile and laugh more than anyone. She is my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I miss her so much when I sleep and she isn't there. I can't help but think that I want to lose wieght so I can have more time with her because forever just doesn't seem like enough time.  I love that I am 25 I don't have any kids yet. I have had this time to think about what kind of Mom, and what kind of parents me and Heather want to be. I know that once I lose this weight I will be ready to have kids. Sometimes I cry because I want to be a mom so bad. I know that it is what I am meant to be. You know. I can't even imagine the joy of having a little being in my life. I am ready for the new and exciting things that this life has to offer me. I am full of happiness and love and I know that I am open to have good things happen to me.

I can't help but feel extremely vulernable with every pound I lose. I struggle sometimes losing wieght because I feel like it is almost shelfish to workout sometimes. Like, I need to take care of the dogs or the house or Heather. The logical side of me says that isn't the case but sometimes I feel like that. I have hidden behind being overweight for so long and losing a pound means a little bit more of me is showing. Lots of people have left me in my life...and somehow in the back of my mind I always blame it on my wieght. Before girls, I let men come and leave as they pleased. I was always in control with men. I always had fun having them fall for me because I was fun and carefree...always hiding behind my wieght. It is hard to explain. But, I feel extremely vulnerbale now, like what if I am not good enough when I am smaller? What if the people who love me still leave....

.....I don't know if that makes sense yet...I need more time to put those words together...all I know is that I love my Heather and I feel awesome about what I am doing.....

...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...