I am struggling....I have zero motivation to work out...and honestly just wanna lay around. I am being mean to poor Heather and I don't even know. I am beyond stressed out and all I want to do is eat bad food! But, I havn't. I am exhausted and I need to snap out of it. I would give anything for a good laugh! I need to get some hw done and I know that I will feel better. I am soo pissed that I have only lost two lbs in the last two weeks and it is making me not want to eat healthy and do this. Then, I read wieght watcher success stories and I know that I am doing the right thing. It says on wieght watchers you are only supposed to lose 1 to 2 lbs a week. I guess that is what I am doing. I just wanna it to be faster. I need patience! I need to relax and I don't know what to do to relax. It is wierd to be when you take away binge eating from my life how I have ZERO coping skills. I know excersing will make me feel better but I honestly don't want to do it.
It is just a bad day...I can't stop crying...I can't stop doubting myself. I mean can I really do this? I just don't see myself doing this. I have failed so many times before. I am failure. I don't know how people do this! I am really pissed at myself and I don't know how to get over it. I am pissed at eevryone around me. I feel like no one understands how hard this is and no one can understand how I feel. I feel so lonely, not only in this whole diet thing, but work too. My pitchers didnt have a good weekend and I couldn't help but think about how I am a bad coach and I don't know what I am doing, that attitude is leaking into my diet. I fucking suck at this. I suck at everything.....
...I need to find my happy...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
update!
Well today was weigh in day and I only lost 1lb again! Kinda sad....But, it was my first weekend on the road. I made ok choices. I need to get better about it.
The hardest thing for me was wanting to be comforted by food. I was stressed out all weekend. My jaw hurts from the stress, and all I wanted was to be comforted by food....I need to find something else that gives me that comfort. I will find it. So I am down 21 lbs. I feel good! I can do this! At least I didn't gain. I need to grow some patience!
Today I offically commited to palying on a summer softball team. AHHHH...so I need to get into much better shape. I am pretty exicted about it! I thought it would be a great motivation tool.
Next will be a better week! I refuse for it to be any different!!!
The hardest thing for me was wanting to be comforted by food. I was stressed out all weekend. My jaw hurts from the stress, and all I wanted was to be comforted by food....I need to find something else that gives me that comfort. I will find it. So I am down 21 lbs. I feel good! I can do this! At least I didn't gain. I need to grow some patience!
Today I offically commited to palying on a summer softball team. AHHHH...so I need to get into much better shape. I am pretty exicted about it! I thought it would be a great motivation tool.
Next will be a better week! I refuse for it to be any different!!!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Missing HIM.
About 15 summers ago I got my first marriage proposal. I was in the basement of my Aunt Krista's house and was jumping on her trampoline. I took a break and my dear friend Zach handed me a stuffed green turtle and said...I am going to marry you one day and I answered no your not, you didn't even ask! And he said, fine, Will you Marry me? I said of course! I was like 10! I didn't know what I was getting myself into! Years later he was my first date. He took me to the movies and dinner. I will never forget how he smelled. He always smelled good! Then I remember he took me off roading on the gravel roads. I have never laughed that hard!
One of the fondest memories I have him happened maybe when I was 16 maybe 17. Me and my Mom were in Iowa visiting which always made me excited cause I got to see Zach. He wanted to go out but at the time he no longer had a car. So I asked my Mom if I could take her rental car. A ford explorer. It was summer time and a storm was coming in. I picked Zach up and he said he wanted to take me somewhere. My mom told me before I left, you MUST be home for dinner with the family, and DO NOT LET Zach drive because he didn't have his lincense at the time, I think, I don't remember why she didn't want him driving. Well when I picked up he wanted to drive so I let him. (of course! he was older and I wasn't going to do the baby thing and say no my mom said no). Also, when we left his house his mom made it clear to Zach that I was a good girl and he was not to do anything that would get us in trouble. You see Zach was the sweetest, cutest, badass trouble maker! Well, he wanted to take me down by the river, and it was in a very woody part of the river. We sat by the river and he told me he loved me and that he was ready to get his life together and be a good man for me. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed and I told him I loved him too. Well he was like babe, wanna have some fun? I said of course so we went offroading in the mud! A storm was coming in so the mud was getting really thick and and we got stuck! I mean stuck we couldn't reverse or go foward. It started getting dark and we were so far in the woods we didn't have service on our phones to call anyone. I will never forget how panic ridden Zach got cause he realized we weren't going to make it to family dinner and he didn't want to make my mom mad or get in trouble like it seemed he always was. We had fun! We were laughing, and kissing, jsut two kdis stuck in the woods. Well, Zach walked and walked till he got service and one of his friends came out and pulled us out of the mud. We had to stop on the way home to clean the car, becasue it was covered in Mud and we didn't want my mom to find out what were doing because we knew she would get mad. I walked into family dinner and of course got reemed by my mom for being late but I secretly was smiling from ear to ear for memories I would never forget.
Years later he wanted to go to a park one winter. Ohh the way he smells...I remember what he was wearing on that day and the way he smelt. Well the pond was frozen and Zach was trying to show off and walk on the frozen pond and he slipped really bad and hit his head. He was soo embaressed! I remember we had to go back to his house so he could change and he was like babe, please don't talk to my mom for a long time when we go home, i barely see you and I wanna kiss you, not listen to you talk to my mom. You see, me and his mom have always been close. I love her! We are still close! His mom laughed so hard when he came home and toldher what happened, and that made him even mader! Oh his mad face, I could kiss him and erase all that anger.
November 10th of 2007 (i think, or 2006) Zach left this world. We were no longer together, I had a girlfriend then, we stopped talking a few months before because his bad habits got the best of him. It kills me even today. I miss him, I miss his tired voice. I miss the way he melts bad days away. I miss the way he would get really quiet and tell me he loves me. I miss my friend. Everytime I go to iowa, I still get the nervous butterflies like I am going to see him, but then I am reminded that he is no longer here. I miss him talking to his sisters while I was on the phone. His baby sister used to come in his room and tell him he was scared and he would always comfort her, and let her lay with him. It always blows my mind how much I remember about the times that I have spent with him. Today is Feb. 10th. It seems every 10th goes by and I am flooded with memories of him. Today, Brad Paisley's Mud on the Tires song came up and I got wrapped up in memories of getting stuck in the mud and before I knew it I was wiping tears away.
I miss you Zach. RIP!
One of the fondest memories I have him happened maybe when I was 16 maybe 17. Me and my Mom were in Iowa visiting which always made me excited cause I got to see Zach. He wanted to go out but at the time he no longer had a car. So I asked my Mom if I could take her rental car. A ford explorer. It was summer time and a storm was coming in. I picked Zach up and he said he wanted to take me somewhere. My mom told me before I left, you MUST be home for dinner with the family, and DO NOT LET Zach drive because he didn't have his lincense at the time, I think, I don't remember why she didn't want him driving. Well when I picked up he wanted to drive so I let him. (of course! he was older and I wasn't going to do the baby thing and say no my mom said no). Also, when we left his house his mom made it clear to Zach that I was a good girl and he was not to do anything that would get us in trouble. You see Zach was the sweetest, cutest, badass trouble maker! Well, he wanted to take me down by the river, and it was in a very woody part of the river. We sat by the river and he told me he loved me and that he was ready to get his life together and be a good man for me. We kissed, and kissed, and kissed and I told him I loved him too. Well he was like babe, wanna have some fun? I said of course so we went offroading in the mud! A storm was coming in so the mud was getting really thick and and we got stuck! I mean stuck we couldn't reverse or go foward. It started getting dark and we were so far in the woods we didn't have service on our phones to call anyone. I will never forget how panic ridden Zach got cause he realized we weren't going to make it to family dinner and he didn't want to make my mom mad or get in trouble like it seemed he always was. We had fun! We were laughing, and kissing, jsut two kdis stuck in the woods. Well, Zach walked and walked till he got service and one of his friends came out and pulled us out of the mud. We had to stop on the way home to clean the car, becasue it was covered in Mud and we didn't want my mom to find out what were doing because we knew she would get mad. I walked into family dinner and of course got reemed by my mom for being late but I secretly was smiling from ear to ear for memories I would never forget.
Years later he wanted to go to a park one winter. Ohh the way he smells...I remember what he was wearing on that day and the way he smelt. Well the pond was frozen and Zach was trying to show off and walk on the frozen pond and he slipped really bad and hit his head. He was soo embaressed! I remember we had to go back to his house so he could change and he was like babe, please don't talk to my mom for a long time when we go home, i barely see you and I wanna kiss you, not listen to you talk to my mom. You see, me and his mom have always been close. I love her! We are still close! His mom laughed so hard when he came home and toldher what happened, and that made him even mader! Oh his mad face, I could kiss him and erase all that anger.
November 10th of 2007 (i think, or 2006) Zach left this world. We were no longer together, I had a girlfriend then, we stopped talking a few months before because his bad habits got the best of him. It kills me even today. I miss him, I miss his tired voice. I miss the way he melts bad days away. I miss the way he would get really quiet and tell me he loves me. I miss my friend. Everytime I go to iowa, I still get the nervous butterflies like I am going to see him, but then I am reminded that he is no longer here. I miss him talking to his sisters while I was on the phone. His baby sister used to come in his room and tell him he was scared and he would always comfort her, and let her lay with him. It always blows my mind how much I remember about the times that I have spent with him. Today is Feb. 10th. It seems every 10th goes by and I am flooded with memories of him. Today, Brad Paisley's Mud on the Tires song came up and I got wrapped up in memories of getting stuck in the mud and before I knew it I was wiping tears away.
I miss you Zach. RIP!
Well...Well...
Well I lost 1 lb this week! I wasnt happy about it....but at least I didn't gain. I didnt cheat so that was good. I have a big week the week before so I was expecting a big number. But that offically put me at 20 lbs lost!!! I feel great!
I am such better shape. Yesterday I pitched to the girls on my team...like not just Batting Practice but actually pitched and I lasted. In the fall I pitched to them and I am not kidding when I say I lasted THREE batters and seriously felt like I was going to throw up! Well, this time arround I pitched to 7 girls about 12 pitches each! Then I had the same moment...where the world is spinning and you have to go outside but I recovered got back up and pitched to about 5 more girls then I let people have at bats against me! It was soooo fun! I am thinking about playing softball this summer for a womens major team! It is basically adult travel ball. Some old pros play on the team and some good pitchers from around the area. I miss competing so much! I also think it would be a great goal before my 5k to get into pitching shape. This week I did Julian Micheals workout video. Her 30 lb shred! I tried in a while ago and seriously couldn't do it at all...this week I did it!! I had to stop some....but I did the whole video..level 1! I am really excited about that! I miss working out...I love the way it makes me feel. I like how much happier I am. I love how much better I feel about myself. I was so sore after doing that workout video so I am going to have to do it more! I also took 40 sec off my mile this week! I will test my mile again on Monday to see if it gets any better!!!
Today I leave for our first road trip. I will be away for 4 days! AHHHHHH...I am nervous about the food! Heather hasn't really recovered from her road trip...she stayed the say last week in the wiegh in and she is upset! She said she made really really good choices! So we shall see! I am going to make it a point to work out and I am going to try my BEST to only eat good things. I know I can do it!
The other night..I had a really bad craving for fast food. I was ready to throw in the towel and just go eat it and say screw the lifestyle change! I wanted it soo bad. I even looked up how many points it would be and everything thinking I won't make a horrible choice but I craved fatty fatty food! Well, I didn't go...and I was really proud but, then I felt guilty....I didn't even cheat but I felt guilty that I even thought about cheating...It is weird what your minds does to you!!!
I hope my pitchers so well this weekend because I have put so much work into them and I don't want the stress of them doing horrible. I know this is shelfish...but I don't wanna have that out of control feeling because that brings on binge eating!!! I have faith that they have learned well and will do ok!
......here goes nothing....
I am such better shape. Yesterday I pitched to the girls on my team...like not just Batting Practice but actually pitched and I lasted. In the fall I pitched to them and I am not kidding when I say I lasted THREE batters and seriously felt like I was going to throw up! Well, this time arround I pitched to 7 girls about 12 pitches each! Then I had the same moment...where the world is spinning and you have to go outside but I recovered got back up and pitched to about 5 more girls then I let people have at bats against me! It was soooo fun! I am thinking about playing softball this summer for a womens major team! It is basically adult travel ball. Some old pros play on the team and some good pitchers from around the area. I miss competing so much! I also think it would be a great goal before my 5k to get into pitching shape. This week I did Julian Micheals workout video. Her 30 lb shred! I tried in a while ago and seriously couldn't do it at all...this week I did it!! I had to stop some....but I did the whole video..level 1! I am really excited about that! I miss working out...I love the way it makes me feel. I like how much happier I am. I love how much better I feel about myself. I was so sore after doing that workout video so I am going to have to do it more! I also took 40 sec off my mile this week! I will test my mile again on Monday to see if it gets any better!!!
Today I leave for our first road trip. I will be away for 4 days! AHHHHHH...I am nervous about the food! Heather hasn't really recovered from her road trip...she stayed the say last week in the wiegh in and she is upset! She said she made really really good choices! So we shall see! I am going to make it a point to work out and I am going to try my BEST to only eat good things. I know I can do it!
The other night..I had a really bad craving for fast food. I was ready to throw in the towel and just go eat it and say screw the lifestyle change! I wanted it soo bad. I even looked up how many points it would be and everything thinking I won't make a horrible choice but I craved fatty fatty food! Well, I didn't go...and I was really proud but, then I felt guilty....I didn't even cheat but I felt guilty that I even thought about cheating...It is weird what your minds does to you!!!
I hope my pitchers so well this weekend because I have put so much work into them and I don't want the stress of them doing horrible. I know this is shelfish...but I don't wanna have that out of control feeling because that brings on binge eating!!! I have faith that they have learned well and will do ok!
......here goes nothing....
Friday, February 4, 2011
Well I am in week five or four I don't remember...I am going to stop counting the weeks because...it honestly is just a new way of life. I have not had fast food since Jan. 1st...I beieve or December 31st...and that is crazy! I feel great! I have not had a headache in so long and I used to have headaches like 4 to 5 times a week. I think I was addicted to fast food.
So...I tried to run a mile the other day and my knee hasnt recovered yet. It is so swollen. I know that this will be my biggest hurdle. My damn knee. It was nice though because it felt good to be outside and running and I thought I really want to be a runner. The way your mind lets go and you can just listen to music and let everything go is a good feeling. I wish I was in better shape so I could run longer...walking is not the same as running. I love the way your heart beats when your running...with every beat it is letting something go. A little wierd for a 350 lb girl to be saying this. I am finding I am getting in better shape because the elpitical is too hard to get my heart rate up for a high intensity workout. Don't let me fool...I am no where close to great or even good shape. But, a month has made some changes already. I can't imgaine what I will feel like in a year!
I don't feel good about the diet yet. Like, I really want to get down to 330...because I know I will start to feel better. Like, right now when I still 350 something...I can't help but think damn....I have been here wayyy to long. I just got to keep working.
Heather is gone at an away track meet and it is the first time I have have a couple of days alone since I think I have moved in the house. It has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I truly love Heather more than anything in this world. I have been with her for almost 4 years now. We have had plenty, I mean plenty of downs. But, I have grown up with her. I am so happy that we have worked hard on our reltionship to get to the point that we are today. I couldn't be with anyone else. She is the only person other than my family that loves me for what I can do and what I can't do. She doesn't take from me...she gives me the world and makes me smile and laugh more than anyone. She is my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I miss her so much when I sleep and she isn't there. I can't help but think that I want to lose wieght so I can have more time with her because forever just doesn't seem like enough time. I love that I am 25 I don't have any kids yet. I have had this time to think about what kind of Mom, and what kind of parents me and Heather want to be. I know that once I lose this weight I will be ready to have kids. Sometimes I cry because I want to be a mom so bad. I know that it is what I am meant to be. You know. I can't even imagine the joy of having a little being in my life. I am ready for the new and exciting things that this life has to offer me. I am full of happiness and love and I know that I am open to have good things happen to me.
I can't help but feel extremely vulernable with every pound I lose. I struggle sometimes losing wieght because I feel like it is almost shelfish to workout sometimes. Like, I need to take care of the dogs or the house or Heather. The logical side of me says that isn't the case but sometimes I feel like that. I have hidden behind being overweight for so long and losing a pound means a little bit more of me is showing. Lots of people have left me in my life...and somehow in the back of my mind I always blame it on my wieght. Before girls, I let men come and leave as they pleased. I was always in control with men. I always had fun having them fall for me because I was fun and carefree...always hiding behind my wieght. It is hard to explain. But, I feel extremely vulnerbale now, like what if I am not good enough when I am smaller? What if the people who love me still leave....
.....I don't know if that makes sense yet...I need more time to put those words together...all I know is that I love my Heather and I feel awesome about what I am doing.....
...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...
So...I tried to run a mile the other day and my knee hasnt recovered yet. It is so swollen. I know that this will be my biggest hurdle. My damn knee. It was nice though because it felt good to be outside and running and I thought I really want to be a runner. The way your mind lets go and you can just listen to music and let everything go is a good feeling. I wish I was in better shape so I could run longer...walking is not the same as running. I love the way your heart beats when your running...with every beat it is letting something go. A little wierd for a 350 lb girl to be saying this. I am finding I am getting in better shape because the elpitical is too hard to get my heart rate up for a high intensity workout. Don't let me fool...I am no where close to great or even good shape. But, a month has made some changes already. I can't imgaine what I will feel like in a year!
I don't feel good about the diet yet. Like, I really want to get down to 330...because I know I will start to feel better. Like, right now when I still 350 something...I can't help but think damn....I have been here wayyy to long. I just got to keep working.
Heather is gone at an away track meet and it is the first time I have have a couple of days alone since I think I have moved in the house. It has given me a lot of time to think and reflect on my life. I truly love Heather more than anything in this world. I have been with her for almost 4 years now. We have had plenty, I mean plenty of downs. But, I have grown up with her. I am so happy that we have worked hard on our reltionship to get to the point that we are today. I couldn't be with anyone else. She is the only person other than my family that loves me for what I can do and what I can't do. She doesn't take from me...she gives me the world and makes me smile and laugh more than anyone. She is my best friend, my lover, my soulmate. I miss her so much when I sleep and she isn't there. I can't help but think that I want to lose wieght so I can have more time with her because forever just doesn't seem like enough time. I love that I am 25 I don't have any kids yet. I have had this time to think about what kind of Mom, and what kind of parents me and Heather want to be. I know that once I lose this weight I will be ready to have kids. Sometimes I cry because I want to be a mom so bad. I know that it is what I am meant to be. You know. I can't even imagine the joy of having a little being in my life. I am ready for the new and exciting things that this life has to offer me. I am full of happiness and love and I know that I am open to have good things happen to me.
I can't help but feel extremely vulernable with every pound I lose. I struggle sometimes losing wieght because I feel like it is almost shelfish to workout sometimes. Like, I need to take care of the dogs or the house or Heather. The logical side of me says that isn't the case but sometimes I feel like that. I have hidden behind being overweight for so long and losing a pound means a little bit more of me is showing. Lots of people have left me in my life...and somehow in the back of my mind I always blame it on my wieght. Before girls, I let men come and leave as they pleased. I was always in control with men. I always had fun having them fall for me because I was fun and carefree...always hiding behind my wieght. It is hard to explain. But, I feel extremely vulnerbale now, like what if I am not good enough when I am smaller? What if the people who love me still leave....
.....I don't know if that makes sense yet...I need more time to put those words together...all I know is that I love my Heather and I feel awesome about what I am doing.....
...just keep swimming...just keep swimming...
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
I really like this..
Well I reached 5% lost today. One month down! 5% gone! 19lbs gone! YIPPIIIEE is all I can say!! It doesn't seem like a lot...but I did it!!!Heather did it too!!! I am very proud of her!
I tried running this week and it was very very hard but that is ok! I am going to keep trying! I figured out the target working out range and I am excited because I am doing things that make me happy!!!
I am sooo excited!!!!:):):)
I tried running this week and it was very very hard but that is ok! I am going to keep trying! I figured out the target working out range and I am excited because I am doing things that make me happy!!!
I am sooo excited!!!!:):):)
Monday, January 24, 2011
BIRTHDAY GIFT
Thank the SCALE GODS......I lost 3 lbs! So I have officially lost 12 pounds to date and don't feel like I am giving up anything just changing my life. It is crazy because this time last year I was down 25...and saying I am done I have lost enough weight and I am tired of sacrificing. This year...I don't care that is half the weight because I know that I am doing it the right way for me and I am going to this for a long time. If I lost three pounds every week for a year I would be a new person...I have to keep telling myself that!
It is a little weird that I am 25! My birthday gift this year from Heather was gum...hahah good diet gift!!! And we are going to dinner tonight and she won't tell me where...but that is ok. I have saved all my extra points for dinner tonight and I am excited to get out of the house! :)
God send me the best birthday gift ever...SNOW....God, I love it and it never gets old to me! This birthday has been great and it is only 8:45 in the morning! I love my life and I love the choices that I have made and I am doing good things! I am conquering this weight thing. It will no longer win! I win! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH...
It is a little weird that I am 25! My birthday gift this year from Heather was gum...hahah good diet gift!!! And we are going to dinner tonight and she won't tell me where...but that is ok. I have saved all my extra points for dinner tonight and I am excited to get out of the house! :)
God send me the best birthday gift ever...SNOW....God, I love it and it never gets old to me! This birthday has been great and it is only 8:45 in the morning! I love my life and I love the choices that I have made and I am doing good things! I am conquering this weight thing. It will no longer win! I win! MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH...
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