A big Trigger

Well...it is what the third or forth day in my temptation to cheat is stronger than ever. I just got some news that I don't get paid between semesters because I am a Grad Assistant for softball. Without going into details, I don't have a savings account and I am live literally pay check to pay check. I just bought my first home so between the mortgage and the bills paying off everything in my house I never have any extra cash. I was so proud of myself for saving up for my Vegas trip and I am now I am devastated to learn I don't get a paycheck for a month. It is a very overwhelming feeling to feel like a almost 25 year old and not have this figured out this money thing yet. My brother always makes jokes to me about how bad I am with money and he won't be like me when he grows up and little does he know how hard I try to be good but always fail. The thing is, I don't how to suck at something. Like, I don't know how to work hard to achieve something because I have always been pretty good at what I do.  As I lay here, I dream of how good it would feel to binge eat on food and numb this pain of failure I feel for having to call my Dad to bail me out of yet another mistake.  I AM NOT GOING TO! I REFUSE! I try so hard to be a good daughter and every time I have to pick up the phone to ask for money I feel like such a dip shit!  How do people do it out there who don't have the family back up. Like, how does Heather do it?? My own girlfriend doesn't have the family that I have!  I love my parents. They would go the end of the earth and back for my happiness and I will never forget that and pay them back for everything they have done to me. My hope is to be half the parents to my children as they are to me and I think my children will be just fine! They have shown my unconditional love and allowed me to make mistakes and pick me up when I am down. They have allowed to be to pursue each and every one of my dreams. Thank you Mom and Dad! I am soo angry with how I feel right now about this money thing and I don't know how to deal with it. My only only outlet in the past is to go the fridge, and I don't know how to deal with problems now. I HATE the feeling of not being in control. I don't like surprises or when something happens that I am not prepared for like not getting paid for a month. I just wish I knew about this because I would worked hard at lessons or gotten job over break. I have literally been doing nothing. I feel so much guilt for this! I guess this a new lesson to be learned! I am poor! So friends, don't ask me to do anything! I have noooo money! My boss wants to send me on a recruiting trip this weekend and I don't think I can go. First off, I have no money literally can't pay for food on the way up there even if they pay me back later, and second I don't think I should go work if I am not getting paid. Do you know how hard it is for me to say no in the professional world. I want so bad to please and be the best that I can be! I see so much of my mother in me when I work. When I was teenager I hated that when my Mom got cancer she put herself into work and not in me. I know very selfish of me. I have changed my ways but I know understand why she did that! She could control that and she could be good at something! Cancer was controlling her and she wasn't going to let it win. I have never talked to my Mom about that feeling so I don't even know if that is how she feels it was just my experience from the outside.  Another thing I feel guilty for...being angry at my mom for cancer...but that is whole other post!

....the good news is writing this makes me feel better. 2011 will be a better me, better weight, better money management, better problem solving skills.